Our Birth Story

I was unsure about wanting to share Sol and mine’s birth story, and then one day I received an email from my aunt about post partum depression increased in women who had general anesthesia during their labor. I immediately felt inspired to share my story after reading the blog. One, I had post partum depression with my son, who I birthed naturally three years ago. I went to months of therapy and am still an active member of a women’s group, which continues to heal me from that time and space after his birth. This time around, I was widely present and connected with the signs of post partum depression and all the tools I have learned over the years to use after the birth of our second child. This time around, what do you know, I had general anesthesia without any other choice while birthing our little Sol, so here I am now writing our birth story as a way to hold space for other mother’s who may have had a similar experience or is facing challenges during their motherhood journey.

It was 5am when I jumped out of my bed and ran straight into the bathroom. I was having a vivid dream and all I could hear was my sister repeatedly saying, “Your water is going to break, your water is going to break.” In my dream, I kept laughing at her in some kind of dream denial, when a gush of warm water streamed down between my legs, but this time in real life! I sat on the bathroom toilet preparing my mind and body for what was to happen next, yet just like the last time, I wasn’t feeling any contractions. Nothing. Nada. Not even a small cramp or aching pain in my body. I began praying, because I really did not want another induced labor. My first labor felt painful and somewhat traumatizing, the expectation of an easy delivery as portrayed in media and amongst other moms was so unrealistic to me during the birthing of my son. I wasn’t prepared for what I endured in those 24 hours with Eli. What could I do at this point, I could pray. Pray for ease and less trauma for Sol. Pray for health and a supportive labor. Pray in silence and trust the plans God had already established.

We arrived at Kaiser only minutes after my water breaking and I walked with ease inside the building. My body still lacked the aching pains of labor. I even prayed to feel something, as if to make it all more real. Moments later, I was laying on the hospital bed with the concerned looks of nurses and ultra sound technicians looking down at me as the word “sorry” flowed sadly from their mouths. Sorry? Sorry for what? My doctor walked in and explained a C-section was needed, my water broke and Sol was breached. Breached? How could this be? I was just at my appointment hours before, and there was no mention of a “breached baby girl.” What could I do? I prayed. I prayed more and more intently. It was all in God’s hands. You see, I have read endless mom blogs and posts about labor preparation and delivery, yet both times, the labor and delivery was a plan I wasn’t a part of making. My preparation was limited to what I knew and could be educated on, and the rest was about trusting the process.

I walked half naked to my operating room as cold liquid ran down my legs, and I asked the nurse to hold my hand, because no contact lenses meant everything around me was a gentle lit blur. Louie walked behind with our belongings and made himself comfortable on a nearby chair as I continued to walk into the room alone with a team of hospital staff. I felt cold all of a sudden, and my body began to shake. I was scared and anxious. I kept breathing deeper and deeper and talking to God, “please take care of us.” Nurses and the anesthesiologist surrounded me and talked me through the process. I leaned forward as I was held by a nurse who stretched my back forward, so the needle could poke between my spine. I laid back, closed my eyes and still prayed, asking God to carry me. I asked God for strength, acceptance, and to intervene even with the whole medical staff who began to come into the room. They began to move my legs and prepare me for delivery, when I asked, “Am I supposed to feel pain?” I could hear the tones in their voice, less confident and confused. The anesthesia wasn’t working. They tried to make small talk and pass time, but I knew this was not going to be my option. Minutes later, I still felt the small pinch on my stomach and tingle in my toes, and they suggested I needed to go under anesthesia, and my husband would need to stay outside. I wasn’t going to see Sol being birthed. My husband wasn’t going to be by my side. I was alone in a room full of strangers for one of the most intimate and vulnerable times of my life, and yet I was not alone. I could feel God throughout the whole room. I kept breathing in and out praying louder and louder in my head. All I could do was trust God in that moment. The anesthesiologist asked me how I could be so calm and still. I told him I was praying and that I trusted God. I serve a living God. I felt peaceful and carried, despite my circumstances, and the little bolts of anxiousness were smaller than God’s strength. Even in moments like these, we can praise and give Glory to God. We can show others of the strength of the Almighty. I thought it was nice to share God’s love and presence to someone else. I think of times like these that God allows His presence to be know greatly even in the smallest ways. I found it a time to trust and be in the presence of God’s love and security.

I woke hours later in excruciating pain. Louie was rocking Sol, she was beautiful and perfect. I kept crying from joy, but also from the pain. I felt absent through the whole labor. She was born in the early AM, so my family flooded to the hospital hours later to welcome her. Eli kissed her gently on her cheek and chanted, “my baby sister Sol.” It was a moment of much love and joy. As family left, nurses came in and out of your room, caring for baby Sol and myself. I could not get out of the bed, stuck, physically still in one place, while other women cared for my baby. It was beautiful. I cried in gratitude, yet I still felt a loss that needed acknowledgement and healing. There was a prior expectation that still tapped on my shoulder, and I needed to let it go. An expectation that I was going to chant affirmations while I pushed her into this world. An expectation of feeling her leave my body. An expectation of having my husband right by my side. An expectation of a labor and birth that was not supposed to be my story this time around. I have never felt like something was wrong with me, or that I did not birth the right way. After I had Eli, some of those thoughts came up because of my long labor and all the supported needed to get him out. Maybe some other mothers have these same feelings. An imperfect birth that was already deemed perfect by the Creator. A time of much pain and body trauma. A time where the most feelings all meet in one place; joy and pain dancing in the same room.

It’s been 4 months since she has been born. I have long since let go of those thoughts and emotions, replacing them with healing, love, and acceptance. If your a mom going through something similar, I urge you to seek help if needed. You are loved and accepted by the One above them all. Your birthing story is yours and will always be your own to honor and share. You did it right. For some reason, this has been how your story has been written, and that’s okay. I honor and love you as a mother. I honor the birth of your children, both recently and years ago. I pray you celebrate YOU this coming Mother’s Day. I pray you see your birth for what it was and not for something it wasn’t or should have been. I pray you see your birth as honorable and the day of the birthing of the most loved people in your life, you’re children. I pray you find hope and healing. In the midst of all this chaos happening today, God always makes beauty out of ashes. God is a God of the impossible. A light source. A creator. A healer. A doer. A miracle worker. When life is a mess in your eyes, God sees a way and a higher truth. Allow yourself to receive celebration and love this Mother’s Day and all days to follow, for you were chosen to partake in one of God’s greatest creations. You are amazing!